Don’t Digg The Internet

The Onion makes me cry as I rub it’s finely sliced rings in my oh so satirical eyes, but I’ve just discovered Free-Ass. Press - because newspapers are for dog shit and bird cages, and now I have a new God.

‘INTERNETLAND — Digg.com users registered their insatiable discontent in a perfect storm of negative comments about so many articles that they unwittingly buried the entire Internet.

Within seconds of the interruption, the NASDAQ dropped 47 percent. The New York Times covered the NASDAQ story and tried to post it, but Digg users immediately buried the article for being inaccurate, boring and older than eight seconds.

“Keeeey-rist, NASDAQ is lame,” wrote Digg user AxlRosewater. “How does this s**t ever make it to the front page? BURIED.”

“Everyone knows that the NASDAQ dropped 46.99999999998 percent, not 47 percent,” pointed out user CutlassSoupReam. “Plus, this was on the front page three minutes ago. Buried to make room for a real article.”

According to Digg executives, the hours-long disappearance of the Internet was caused by an influx of top 10 lists, articles debunking rumors that Barack Obama is a gay, crack-smoking Muslim Manchurian candidate; and postings from The Onion and lame wannabe Onion imitators whose articles are always taken seriously despite being posted in the comedy section, where they are buried as completely unfunny and “f**king lame sh*t written by a 12-year-old.”

Many Digg users were crestfallen at the shutdown.

“I don’t know what happened,” said Ward Boedeker, who runs a blog about vintage fondue pots out of his home in Chino, Calif. “My article was about to go popular with like 149 diggs — and then it vanished. My life’s dream of educating the public about hot cheese through a viral, grassroots effort on Digg … gone!”

Digg’s crack team, however, moved quickly to avert further crises by adjusting its convoluted algorithm so that users could begin mercilessly ridiculing everything again. No one knew about the move, however, because the notice, posted on Digg’s front page, was immediately buried.’

“Wannabe Digg executives,” wrote user Diggdeeznuts. “Buried!”

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